Hello!
My name is Jamie, I'm 26 years old.
I would like to tell you my slightly irrelevant story. It took me a while to type this up and it is a bit emotional to me.
I apologize if things seem a little disorganized. I've been called "scatter-brained" in the past.
I just recently I discovered that I am transgender(FtM). For the longest time I considered myself a tomboy. When I was taught that I was a girl, I disregarded the thought and continued to act like my brother.
When I played with my brother and my cousin we would always pretended to be soldiers and would talk on walky talkies and threw rocks like grenades, or that we were Final Fantasy characters and run around fighting monsters with sticks for swords, or that we were dinosaurs or dinosaur hunters. Jurassic Park had just come out at the time. The list goes on and on.
I would play with my brothers Hot Wheels cars and Tonka trucks with him in the mud after a storm. I was really into Transformers and Legos when I got older. The one time my grandmother bought me a baby doll, I cried and hid it away in my closet. I eventually gave it to my sister a year later.
From then on, my parents only bought me gender neutral toys, mostly animals or anything Pokemon related.
When I was in 2nd grade, I convinced my mother that I no longer wanted to wear dresses. From then on, I wore only pants and cargo shorts and unisex tops.
When I entered 5th grade, I became severely depressed due to changes in my body. I used to punch myself in the stomach out of hate and disgust of myself. When I got my first period, I was so embarrassed that I just wanted to disappear.
By 6th grade(about 12 years old), my parents divorce almost sent me over the edge. I tried to commit suicide by asphyxiation two or three times. I cried myself to sleep almost every night wishing I would wake up a different person. I purposely missed the school bus to go home because I didn't want to go to a home without a dad. My grades fell to a C/D average. I became bulimic in my junior high school years, which to this day, still effects me. Yeah, I blamed myself. At that age, what wouldn't. I was never told all the facts.
The thing I hated most was gym class. Especially swimming. When I dressed, I would always go into the restroom stalls and change my clothes out of sight from the other girls and I was always the last one out of the locker room.
When I entered High school, I was outcast from every clique and some of my close friends from junior high avoided me like the plague. The friends I did have, the ones I could trust were as few as the fingers on one of my hands. I even had someone I thought was a friend write "Jamie **** is a carpet muncher" in the bathroom stall.
It wasn't until I joined the art guild that I began to dismiss everyones opinions and criticisms.
We took a trip to Memphis Tennessee to a few art museums and the Memphis zoo. While there, we stayed the night at a hotel that was connected to a mall. A friend and I took a trip around the mall and stumbled upon Hot Topic. I was mesmerized by the mens Tripp pants they had. I ended up spending most of my money on a pair of pants, a Metallica hoody and an InuYasha t-shirt. All of which were mens. I wore those articles for the majority of my high school years. I even helped start a trend in my school. But I still felt alone.
I went to prom all four year of high school. Not because I wanted to wear a dress(I tried to get a tux but my mom wouldn't have it) but because everyone was going and I wanted to hang out with my friends so I had to deal with it. I didn't even dance. The food was good though. So was After-prom. I won a car stereo in the points auction.
Throughout my high school years, I tried to reconnect with my dad, who had moved quite a bit over 6 years. I tried to move with him from place to place but with school, it was hard to do. He eventually moved to the other side of the country where I could not follow him. After I graduated I moved with him to Montana, but due to not having a job or a vehicle to get to work, I decided to move back home.
I eventually can to terms with myself and how my body was that I stopped caring but bulimia and depression continued to have a tight grip on me.
I started wearing "normal" clothes but nothing too feminine.
My mother never let me cut my hair any shorter than my shoulders until one day when she was at work, I gave my sister a pair of scissors and told her I wanted a mohawk. Of course, I loved it! My sister liked it, my mother hated it and the "children" at my local library where I worked made fun of it.
"What is she trying to be? A rock star?" "I think she thinks she cool." "Looks stupid."
It hurt. I had been called names all my life. Anything from making fun of my last name to the way I dressed and the way I looked. I thought all of that was behind me. When I got home that day I ripped clumps of my hair out and stayed in my room whenever I could.
One of the hardest jobs I have ever had ended up being my first one. Not because of the work involved. That was actually quite easy. Library page, putting books back on the shelves. I had developed a social anxiety.
I took up a second job at a Chinese restaurant I went to on occasions. I liked that job a lot more than my other because I didn't have to deal with a lot of teenagers all day and the pay was better for less hours. But all good things must come to an end. Another Chinese restaurant opened and we lost business quickly. There was no longer a need for me.
One day, while riding back home with my brother, I noticed a help wanted sign on a billboard. I had no idea what the place was about but I applied anyway. On my first day, I felt like I had walked into a small piece of dirty heaven. I fell in love with the type of work and most of the people there. For once in my life I felt welcomed and carefree. I didn't feel that heavy cloud of depression surrounding me. It had been 7 years since I felt good about myself. Seven years of struggling to like myself. Seven years of self hate. Gone.
Even though it took 4 tries and 3 years of temporary work for them to hire me part time and it was worth it. Every day I went to work, it didn't feel like I was working. I enjoyed the rotten, ornery conversations I would have with my supervisors and coworkers.
I had stumbled upon the best job I have ever had; I was a warehouse associate.
I know, it doesn't sound like much. The work was fast paced and tough. And just when I felt like giving up, the people around me were what made me stay. They accepted me.
It was there I found a guy who really liked me. I like him too, but probably not in the same way he likes me. I don't really see us being together like a couple.
I worked there for a little more than 3 years until I found a similar job 3 hours away that paid almost twice as much. That is my current job, doing the exact same thing on a larger, more technical scale. And since I didn't see my employer hiring me full-time, I decided to go for it. Seven months later and I am now a full-time employee!
Out of curiosity I decided to surf youtube and stumbled upon Ty Turner, a transgender male who has been taking "T". I watched a couple of his video and realized I had been missing out on something dynamic. Something that could have spared me the discomfort, shame and lack of self confidence I had been struggling with my entire life. I'm 26 and I'm just now learning about this.
But because of where I came from, I fear rejection from others, especially the older generation and the high schoolers just entering the work force, I feel like I can't pursue my dream of becoming who I truly believe I should be.
I'm hoping that my current employer doesn't judge me because as far as I can tell in their history, they support the LGBT community. I already spoke with a few people I work with and they are comfortable with it. It just makes me happy to know there are a few open minded people there.
As for the guy who likes me, we still talk and we are taking a trip to Florida next month. But I have an anxiety. I need to come out to him but I'm afraid of how he will handle it. I don't know if I should tell him before the trip, during or after...
I don't think he will be the kind of person who could see himself with another guy. and I'm scared that I'll end up alone and hated by him.
I apologize if this post was too long to read. I feel better about getting it out.
There are a lot of details I left out but it would take a lot of digging and I just don't have that kind of time right now. Thank you for reading, those of you who did take the time. I appreciate it.
My name is Jamie, I'm 26 years old.
I would like to tell you my slightly irrelevant story. It took me a while to type this up and it is a bit emotional to me.
I apologize if things seem a little disorganized. I've been called "scatter-brained" in the past.
-~-~-~-
I just recently I discovered that I am transgender(FtM). For the longest time I considered myself a tomboy. When I was taught that I was a girl, I disregarded the thought and continued to act like my brother.
When I played with my brother and my cousin we would always pretended to be soldiers and would talk on walky talkies and threw rocks like grenades, or that we were Final Fantasy characters and run around fighting monsters with sticks for swords, or that we were dinosaurs or dinosaur hunters. Jurassic Park had just come out at the time. The list goes on and on.
I would play with my brothers Hot Wheels cars and Tonka trucks with him in the mud after a storm. I was really into Transformers and Legos when I got older. The one time my grandmother bought me a baby doll, I cried and hid it away in my closet. I eventually gave it to my sister a year later.
From then on, my parents only bought me gender neutral toys, mostly animals or anything Pokemon related.
When I was in 2nd grade, I convinced my mother that I no longer wanted to wear dresses. From then on, I wore only pants and cargo shorts and unisex tops.
When I entered 5th grade, I became severely depressed due to changes in my body. I used to punch myself in the stomach out of hate and disgust of myself. When I got my first period, I was so embarrassed that I just wanted to disappear.
By 6th grade(about 12 years old), my parents divorce almost sent me over the edge. I tried to commit suicide by asphyxiation two or three times. I cried myself to sleep almost every night wishing I would wake up a different person. I purposely missed the school bus to go home because I didn't want to go to a home without a dad. My grades fell to a C/D average. I became bulimic in my junior high school years, which to this day, still effects me. Yeah, I blamed myself. At that age, what wouldn't. I was never told all the facts.
The thing I hated most was gym class. Especially swimming. When I dressed, I would always go into the restroom stalls and change my clothes out of sight from the other girls and I was always the last one out of the locker room.
When I entered High school, I was outcast from every clique and some of my close friends from junior high avoided me like the plague. The friends I did have, the ones I could trust were as few as the fingers on one of my hands. I even had someone I thought was a friend write "Jamie **** is a carpet muncher" in the bathroom stall.
It wasn't until I joined the art guild that I began to dismiss everyones opinions and criticisms.
We took a trip to Memphis Tennessee to a few art museums and the Memphis zoo. While there, we stayed the night at a hotel that was connected to a mall. A friend and I took a trip around the mall and stumbled upon Hot Topic. I was mesmerized by the mens Tripp pants they had. I ended up spending most of my money on a pair of pants, a Metallica hoody and an InuYasha t-shirt. All of which were mens. I wore those articles for the majority of my high school years. I even helped start a trend in my school. But I still felt alone.
I went to prom all four year of high school. Not because I wanted to wear a dress(I tried to get a tux but my mom wouldn't have it) but because everyone was going and I wanted to hang out with my friends so I had to deal with it. I didn't even dance. The food was good though. So was After-prom. I won a car stereo in the points auction.
Throughout my high school years, I tried to reconnect with my dad, who had moved quite a bit over 6 years. I tried to move with him from place to place but with school, it was hard to do. He eventually moved to the other side of the country where I could not follow him. After I graduated I moved with him to Montana, but due to not having a job or a vehicle to get to work, I decided to move back home.
I eventually can to terms with myself and how my body was that I stopped caring but bulimia and depression continued to have a tight grip on me.
I started wearing "normal" clothes but nothing too feminine.
My mother never let me cut my hair any shorter than my shoulders until one day when she was at work, I gave my sister a pair of scissors and told her I wanted a mohawk. Of course, I loved it! My sister liked it, my mother hated it and the "children" at my local library where I worked made fun of it.
"What is she trying to be? A rock star?" "I think she thinks she cool." "Looks stupid."
It hurt. I had been called names all my life. Anything from making fun of my last name to the way I dressed and the way I looked. I thought all of that was behind me. When I got home that day I ripped clumps of my hair out and stayed in my room whenever I could.
One of the hardest jobs I have ever had ended up being my first one. Not because of the work involved. That was actually quite easy. Library page, putting books back on the shelves. I had developed a social anxiety.
I took up a second job at a Chinese restaurant I went to on occasions. I liked that job a lot more than my other because I didn't have to deal with a lot of teenagers all day and the pay was better for less hours. But all good things must come to an end. Another Chinese restaurant opened and we lost business quickly. There was no longer a need for me.
One day, while riding back home with my brother, I noticed a help wanted sign on a billboard. I had no idea what the place was about but I applied anyway. On my first day, I felt like I had walked into a small piece of dirty heaven. I fell in love with the type of work and most of the people there. For once in my life I felt welcomed and carefree. I didn't feel that heavy cloud of depression surrounding me. It had been 7 years since I felt good about myself. Seven years of struggling to like myself. Seven years of self hate. Gone.
Even though it took 4 tries and 3 years of temporary work for them to hire me part time and it was worth it. Every day I went to work, it didn't feel like I was working. I enjoyed the rotten, ornery conversations I would have with my supervisors and coworkers.
I had stumbled upon the best job I have ever had; I was a warehouse associate.
I know, it doesn't sound like much. The work was fast paced and tough. And just when I felt like giving up, the people around me were what made me stay. They accepted me.
It was there I found a guy who really liked me. I like him too, but probably not in the same way he likes me. I don't really see us being together like a couple.
I worked there for a little more than 3 years until I found a similar job 3 hours away that paid almost twice as much. That is my current job, doing the exact same thing on a larger, more technical scale. And since I didn't see my employer hiring me full-time, I decided to go for it. Seven months later and I am now a full-time employee!
Out of curiosity I decided to surf youtube and stumbled upon Ty Turner, a transgender male who has been taking "T". I watched a couple of his video and realized I had been missing out on something dynamic. Something that could have spared me the discomfort, shame and lack of self confidence I had been struggling with my entire life. I'm 26 and I'm just now learning about this.
But because of where I came from, I fear rejection from others, especially the older generation and the high schoolers just entering the work force, I feel like I can't pursue my dream of becoming who I truly believe I should be.
I'm hoping that my current employer doesn't judge me because as far as I can tell in their history, they support the LGBT community. I already spoke with a few people I work with and they are comfortable with it. It just makes me happy to know there are a few open minded people there.
-~-~-~-
As for the guy who likes me, we still talk and we are taking a trip to Florida next month. But I have an anxiety. I need to come out to him but I'm afraid of how he will handle it. I don't know if I should tell him before the trip, during or after...
I don't think he will be the kind of person who could see himself with another guy. and I'm scared that I'll end up alone and hated by him.
I apologize if this post was too long to read. I feel better about getting it out.
There are a lot of details I left out but it would take a lot of digging and I just don't have that kind of time right now. Thank you for reading, those of you who did take the time. I appreciate it.
This post was last modified: 06-26-2015, 11:24 PM by waterdropjlc.
(06-26-2015, 11:14 PM)waterdropjlc Wrote: Hello!
My name is Jamie, I'm 26 years old.
I would like to tell you my slightly irrelevant story. It took me a while to type this up and it is a bit emotional to me.
I apologize if things seem a little disorganized. I've been called "scatter-brained" in the past.
-~-~-~-
I just recently I discovered that I am transgender(FtM). For the longest time I considered myself a tomboy. When I was taught that I was a girl, I disregarded the thought and continued to act like my brother.
When I played with my brother and my cousin we would always pretended to be soldiers and would talk on walky talkies and threw rocks like grenades, or that we were Final Fantasy characters and run around fighting monsters with sticks for swords, or that we were dinosaurs or dinosaur hunters. Jurassic Park had just come out at the time. The list goes on and on.
I would play with my brothers Hot Wheels cars and Tonka trucks with him in the mud after a storm. I was really into Transformers and Legos when I got older. The one time my grandmother bought me a baby doll, I cried and hid it away in my closet. I eventually gave it to my sister a year later.
From then on, my parents only bought me gender neutral toys, mostly animals or anything Pokemon related.
When I was in 2nd grade, I convinced my mother that I no longer wanted to wear dresses. From then on, I wore only pants and cargo shorts and unisex tops.
When I entered 5th grade, I became severely depressed due to changes in my body. I used to punch myself in the stomach out of hate and disgust of myself. When I got my first period, I was so embarrassed that I just wanted to disappear.
By 6th grade(about 12 years old), my parents divorce almost sent me over the edge. I tried to commit suicide by asphyxiation two or three times. I cried myself to sleep almost every night wishing I would wake up a different person. I purposely missed the school bus to go home because I didn't want to go to a home without a dad. My grades fell to a C/D average. I became bulimic in my junior high school years, which to this day, still effects me. Yeah, I blamed myself. At that age, what wouldn't. I was never told all the facts.
The thing I hated most was gym class. Especially swimming. When I dressed, I would always go into the restroom stalls and change my clothes out of sight from the other girls and I was always the last one out of the locker room.
When I entered High school, I was outcast from every clique and some of my close friends from junior high avoided me like the plague. The friends I did have, the ones I could trust were as few as the fingers on one of my hands. I even had someone I thought was a friend write "Jamie **** is a carpet muncher" in the bathroom stall.
It wasn't until I joined the art guild that I began to dismiss everyones opinions and criticisms.
We took a trip to Memphis Tennessee to a few art museums and the Memphis zoo. While there, we stayed the night at a hotel that was connected to a mall. A friend and I took a trip around the mall and stumbled upon Hot Topic. I was mesmerized by the mens Tripp pants they had. I ended up spending most of my money on a pair of pants, a Metallica hoody and an InuYasha t-shirt. All of which were mens. I wore those articles for the majority of my high school years. I even helped start a trend in my school. But I still felt alone.
I went to prom all four year of high school. Not because I wanted to wear a dress(I tried to get a tux but my mom wouldn't have it) but because everyone was going and I wanted to hang out with my friends so I had to deal with it. I didn't even dance. The food was good though. So was After-prom. I won a car stereo in the points auction.
Throughout my high school years, I tried to reconnect with my dad, who had moved quite a bit over 6 years. I tried to move with him from place to place but with school, it was hard to do. He eventually moved to the other side of the country where I could not follow him. After I graduated I moved with him to Montana, but due to not having a job or a vehicle to get to work, I decided to move back home.
I eventually can to terms with myself and how my body was that I stopped caring but bulimia and depression continued to have a tight grip on me.
I started wearing "normal" clothes but nothing too feminine.
My mother never let me cut my hair any shorter than my shoulders until one day when she was at work, I gave my sister a pair of scissors and told her I wanted a mohawk. Of course, I loved it! My sister liked it, my mother hated it and the "children" at my local library where I worked made fun of it.
"What is she trying to be? A rock star?" "I think she thinks she cool." "Looks stupid."
It hurt. I had been called names all my life. Anything from making fun of my last name to the way I dressed and the way I looked. I thought all of that was behind me. When I got home that day I ripped clumps of my hair out and stayed in my room whenever I could.
One of the hardest jobs I have ever had ended up being my first one. Not because of the work involved. That was actually quite easy. Library page, putting books back on the shelves. I had developed a social anxiety.
I took up a second job at a Chinese restaurant I went to on occasions. I liked that job a lot more than my other because I didn't have to deal with a lot of teenagers all day and the pay was better for less hours. But all good things must come to an end. Another Chinese restaurant opened and we lost business quickly. There was no longer a need for me.
One day, while riding back home with my brother, I noticed a help wanted sign on a billboard. I had no idea what the place was about but I applied anyway. On my first day, I felt like I had walked into a small piece of dirty heaven. I fell in love with the type of work and most of the people there. For once in my life I felt welcomed and carefree. I didn't feel that heavy cloud of depression surrounding me. It had been 7 years since I felt good about myself. Seven years of struggling to like myself. Seven years of self hate. Gone.
Even though it took 4 tries and 3 years of temporary work for them to hire me part time and it was worth it. Every day I went to work, it didn't feel like I was working. I enjoyed the rotten, ornery conversations I would have with my supervisors and coworkers.
I had stumbled upon the best job I have ever had; I was a warehouse associate.
I know, it doesn't sound like much. The work was fast paced and tough. And just when I felt like giving up, the people around me were what made me stay. They accepted me.
It was there I found a guy who really liked me. I like him too, but probably not in the same way he likes me. I don't really see us being together like a couple.
I worked there for a little more than 3 years until I found a similar job 3 hours away that paid almost twice as much. That is my current job, doing the exact same thing on a larger, more technical scale. And since I didn't see my employer hiring me full-time, I decided to go for it. Seven months later and I am now a full-time employee!
Out of curiosity I decided to surf youtube and stumbled upon Ty Turner, a transgender male who has been taking "T". I watched a couple of his video and realized I had been missing out on something dynamic. Something that could have spared me the discomfort, shame and lack of self confidence I had been struggling with my entire life. I'm 26 and I'm just now learning about this.
But because of where I came from, I fear rejection from others, especially the older generation and the high schoolers just entering the work force, I feel like I can't pursue my dream of becoming who I truly believe I should be.
I'm hoping that my current employer doesn't judge me because as far as I can tell in their history, they support the LGBT community. I already spoke with a few people I work with and they are comfortable with it. It just makes me happy to know there are a few open minded people there.
-~-~-~-
As for the guy who likes me, we still talk and we are taking a trip to Florida next month. But I have an anxiety. I need to come out to him but I'm afraid of how he will handle it. I don't know if I should tell him before the trip, during or after...
I don't think he will be the kind of person who could see himself with another guy. and I'm scared that I'll end up alone and hated by him.
I apologize if this post was too long to read. I feel better about getting it out.
There are a lot of details I left out but it would take a lot of digging and I just don't have that kind of time right now. Thank you for reading, those of you who did take the time. I appreciate it.
Hi Jamie I am very glad to meet you!
My name is Ethan.
Hey Jamie, really liked your story. im feelin ya when it comes to finding a place to fit in. i might have to go with the warehouse industry.
Sent from my LG-H631 using Tapatalk
Sent from my LG-H631 using Tapatalk
(08-25-2015, 03:33 PM)theforealdeal Wrote: Hey Jamie, really liked your story. im feelin ya when it comes to finding a place to fit in. i might have to go with the warehouse industry.
Sent from my LG-H631 using Tapatalk
Thanks! I reread it and it sounds terrible. lol
Warehouse work is tough. If I were you, I would get my forklift license first. That way you have a better chance at getting in. Don't be afraid to start big.
(08-31-2015, 10:21 AM)Joshua Wrote: Thanks for sharing, Jamie! I'm sure many can relate.Thanks!
Have you considered starting a blog? If you like to write, you might find helpful.
I hope The Chat in Florida works out for you!
I have tried but I start and never continue.
So I did have a chat with him and I didn't get to go to Florida. Needless to say, we don't talk anymore.
This post was last modified: 08-31-2015, 04:07 PM by waterdropjlc.